"Try Everything"
My daughter was really interested in math last year and I was thrilled to supplement her education through an extracurricular activity (closet Tiger Mom success!). I had heard about the Russian School of Math that taught the curriculum in a more abstract, logical and creative way and signed her up immediately. She came home from her first class unusually quiet. She came home from the second class in tears. She refused to go to the next class. To this day, I’m still not quite sure what happened that was so overwhelming. From the first class to the second, I thought I was giving her an encouraging push to give it another try. Unfortunately, it actually threw her into a tailspin of nervousness. This coincided with a few challenging interactions with some kids at school and it only spiraled downwards from there.
She didn’t want to try anything after that. I signed her up to a dance class with one of her besties and she was in tears, refusing to try the class. I asked about soccer tryouts, art classes, and gymnastics - all activities that she would not only love, but that I knew she was good at so she could rebuild some of her confidence. It broke my heart. I couldn’t recognize her as the same girl who fearlessly dangled off monkey bars or raised her hand showing off her answers.
I didn’t know what to do. She didn’t want to talk with the counselor at school. She was scared of anything new and clutched my hand tightly. I couldn’t even get her out of the car for some of these activities. I didn’t want to push her too much like last time, but I also needed her to try new experiences to relieve her fears. I took her on 1:1 dates in an effort for her to open up. I recounted stories of when I was young and scared to normalize her experience. I could tell her trepidation was still there.
One day we were driving in the car and we came across a “Caraoke” track called “Try Everything” by Shakira. The lyrics couldn’t have been more fitting for our situation: “I keep falling down, I keep on hitting the ground. I always get up now, see what’s next. Birds don’t just fly, they fall down and get up. Nobody learns without gettin’ it wrong. I won’t give up, no, I won’t give in, ‘Til I reach the end, and then I’ll start again. No, I won’t leave, I wanna try everything, I wanna try even though I could fail.”
Even a year later, this song still brings tears to my sentimental eyes, as a reminder of how powerful those words are. (Disney songs are surprisingly so relevant to everyday life lessons, but that’s for a different post). I turned it up, I played it on repeat so we could belt out the words together. I explained the meaning to her and we shared a special wink saying we were both going to “try everything” and be brave.
We all fail. That’s how we learn, it’s how we keep going, and it’s how we ultimately find success. Nobody gets it right the first time. It’s critical as parents and caretakers to promote an environment of celebrating those mistakes whether it’s them overestimating how much milk to pour or underperforming in a new class.
I didn’t want to tell her to just power through, but I also didn’t want her to wallow in her feelings. I wanted to provide her with a personal connection to her experience- something she could reference in her mind and remind her of her strength.
The song was a precursor to stepping out of the scary and into baby steps of growth.
She hesitantly came to a bilingual assessment. She was even open to the idea of going to a new school in the fall. We found a new math center last month and it’s her favorite after-school program (the plethora of prize incentives don’t hurt). Whatever trigger(s) that caused her fear or insecurity have gradually gone away as she has engaged in more exposure therapy, or faced that stimuli in small, digestible steps.
Research shows that “learning something new adds to your skill set and knowledge, and helps you develop feelings of competency and growth, which can alleviate feelings of stress” (Harvard Business Review, 2018). If you are prone to feeling overwhelmed easily, start with low pressure or low stakes activities to build that confidence over time. Listen to your body and see how you feel. But try. We all have comfort zones and I, for one, am not a big fan of stepping outside mine. I like my cozy bubble with my habits and my attachments. Recently, however, I’ve been channeling Shakira and “trying everything.” And I’m finding that I’m experiencing the world in a whole new way. The other day, I spontaneously stopped at a local liquor store to get ice cream cones for my kids and took them to the beach in the rain. They looked at me as if I had gone nuts, but were simultaneously overjoyed. We all benefited.
The hardship of last year’s experience was felt almost every day. As a mother, I naturally was anxious about everything she was going through. I wasn’t prepared for this to happen at such a young age and I certainly didn’t expect it to even last as long as it did. But we didn’t give in, we didn’t give up, and this isn’t the end. There will be more (Lord, prepare me for those tween/teenage years). But now we have a special “fight song” we play to empower us when we feel scared and it reminds us that our journey to overcome something so challenging was one that we get to ultimately claim together as a team.